Saturday, January 28, 2012

Poison Control to Thing 1

This morning was my turn to sleep in, while Tyrant Daddy got up with the energizer toddler. So there I was, blissfully snuggled up with Thing 2, when I heard a little voice,
"Meh Meh? Peas?" (Meh Meh is her word for Medicine. She can say "phalanges"now, but will she say "medicine"? Hell no.) I cracked one eye open enough to see Thing 1 hovering near the edge of the bed  rubbing her gums. Ah, teething.  "Ask your Dad", I murmured. I heard her scurry around the room, and settle into her favorite hiding place under Thing 2's bassinet.  Assuming she was safe for the time being, I allowed myself to fall back into a coma.
A short time later (long enough for a dream about chasing my children through Star Wars, only to realize that the baby in my arms had turned into a puppy, which I decided was ok since I wouldn't have to teach it how to talk), I heard that delightful little voice declare, "Mmmmmmm Meh Meh all gone! I LIKE it! MmmmmHmmmmm I do!  Find'a da Meh Meh, I drink it ALL GONE!"
I jerked my head of the pillow and saw through blurry eyes a tiny fist holding a very empty container of children's tylenol in front of my face.  Oh. My. God. I just allowed my child to poison herself so I could dream about Star Wars and puppies. I flew out of bed sputtering incoherently, Tyrant Daddy came crashing in,  I thrust the empty bottle in his face, and there may have been some panic induced accusations;"I thought YOU were watching her!" "I was SLEEPING!" "How did she get it!?" "I don't KNOW, I thought you were watching her!", etc.
Meanwhile Thing 2 was blinking slowly at all of us wondering why we were being SO LOUD,  Thing 1 was standing on her head with her eyes shut in a vain attempt to become invisible, Tyrant Daddy had decided the easiest thing to do was to make her throw up so that she wouldn't die, and I was googling poison control.  I told the woman what happened and she said,
"Yep. She'll be fine. Just don't give her any more."
 It felt rather anti-climatic for the amount of adrenaline in my system. No emergency room?  No vomit inducing?  No leaping tall buildings? Umm...fine then...I guess I'll get dressed or something...
We put the medicine even higher up (child proof my ass, they obviously never met my child), and had an intervention with Thing 1 about how much she has to live for.
Now I am keeping a wary eye on Thing 1 (half expecting her to pass out or get the munchies or SOMETHING),  and removing the blanket Thing 2 has managed to wrap around her head. No suffocating today, kid.  If my children would stop trying to kill themselves, I would like to finish my coffee.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Slice of Lemon

This week has included the following: my partner and myself getting food poisoning, the return of the Itchy Beaver,  Nauntie having a slight psychotic break involving drinking lemon-vodka spritzers and rearranging her room while wearing pearls and a blue chiffon dress, my impending return to work tomorrow (hence Nauntie's melt down), and Martin Luther King Jr Day. Which I totally forgot about.  Until I went to the bank. Fail. Sorry Mr. King.
All these adventures have given me a great deal to write about...and no energy to write it.  Consider this your "scenes from next week's episodes of 2 Tiny Tyrants."
I will leave you with this little tidbit of cuteness.  These moments are like the slice of lemon after the shot of tequila, they make the rest go down smooth.
Without further ado, I give you the Shake-a Shake-a Juice Time Dance:


video



Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Hairless Wonder

It's that time again. That moment in postpartum when my scalp has an identity crisis and looks around going, "Why on earth do we have so much HAIR? We don't need hair! Get rid of it! Get rid of it!! Shed Shed SHED the HAIR!" Yup. Having a baby makes my body decide that it should look like Patrick Stewart (not a bad look, if you are a mature classically trained British male actor).
One minute I have long thick pregnancy hair, the next I am standing in the shower staring at a fistful of recently shed locks wondering if I should just shave my head now to save on clogged drains in the future.
I am normally "blessed" with an abundance of volume in the hair department, so honestly it isn't that noticeable to an outsider, but when my hair line starts receding it does something to me psychologically. I freak out. I feel like Samson (which I guess makes Thing 2 my tiny Delilah...), without all my hair I am just not as kick-ass.
With Thing 1, I chopped it all off in a vain attempt to be in control of my body again. Pregnancy had made me feel a little like I had been invaded by aliens. I had NO CONTROL.  My brain loved coffee. My body said, "Nope! You HATE coffee! You are going to throw up now!"  After all those changes (most of which I have already started blocking out) I was so excited to have the baby OUT of me.  Time for this body to be MINE. Or not.
Why had no one told me making milk could be painful?? Like, stick a knife in your nipple painful? Or about boob stretch marks that looked like a rabid raccoon had attacked them? Nope, no one mentioned those (although they do fade, so there is some hope).  And the weird moles/skin tags/hairs/etc that sprout when your body says, "TOO MANY HORMONES I am going to explode of I don't grow something RIGHT NOW!!!!" BAM! skin tag.  Awesome.  I was ok with the fact that I had more curves, but then I realized my RIBS had grown. WHAT?? Yup. Your ribcage can expand with prenancy and NEVER GO BACK.  Why isn't that highlighted in the Mayo Clinic's Guide to Pregnancy? And then....my hair fell out.
It was like the final insult.  I had even heard about this one, but that didn't prepare me for suddenly being able to see so much skin when I pulled my hair back. Hormone fueled panic plus scissors equaled pixie cut. Not my best look, but atleast the showers were shorter and the shedding less noticeable.
This time around I am trying to resist the urge to chop it all off, just to show my body that I am now above such trivial (whimper) things. Hair. Who needs it?

Friday, January 6, 2012

A Ball Named Serenity

It has been one of those days.  One of those -shake my fist at the sky, throw furniture out the window,  bang my head against the wall, baby is asleep only when being held and in motion and has somehow managed to throw up more milk than she has drank -days. So! Instead of grumbling about the trials of motherhood,  I am going to tell the tale of a BALL.
A ball we have named, "Serenity."
Serenity grew up at a department store.  There was nothing magical about her youth.  She always assumed she would be bought by a health conscious vegan person between the ages of 18 and 50 who  would use her at the most once a day, and then give her all her holidays and evenings off.
 But the god of yoga balls had other plans for her.
When the store opened that fateful day in August, she had a sense of impending doom.  She had been pushed to the front of her shelf, so there was no hiding when a very VERY rotund woman (seriously, did she eat balls for breakfast??) came around the corner with a look of frazzled desperation in her eyes.  She barely seemed to notice Serenity before tossing her between a box of #5 diapers, a nursing bra, and a jar of Nutella.
For months she sat un-inflated, still wrapped in her plastic shopping bag.  Then one day she was fished out from under the couch where she had been accidentally shoved, ripped out of her box, and hauled to the basement where she was filled with air.  She was sure that now she would be taken to the magical healthy food person, with her tidy Ikea decorated apartment.  Right?
Oh, poor Serenity.  Instead she was greeted by a truly terrifying, ear splitting sound.  A sound somewhere between a fire engine and a donkey killing a cat. Two people sat on her (one was tiny, but VERY LOUD) and BOUNCED.  Oh the indignity.  They didn't even pretend to be doing crunches.  And then the tiny loud one VOMITED. ALL. OVER. HER.
Soon she realized the screaming noises were getting quieter...and quiter.....and stopping...and the woman was expressing in the warmest way how very VERY much she loved the yoga ball, and Serenity decided it wasn't such a bad life.
Which is how I came to be sitting on a yoga ball named Serenity, bouncing Thing 2 to sleep and typing this with one hand.
I would say that 90% of my day is spent here.  She works hard traveling from room to room as needed, is refilled with air weekly, is currently streaked with remnants of urped up milk, and is making it possible for me to bounce Thing 2 and eat/read/check my email.  Who needs a desk chair?
(Of course, we haven't told her the tragic tale of her predecessor yet.  The Yoga Ball who was stabbed with a pencil through the heart by Thing 1, the very child she had bounced to sleep so many times... Sigh.  Very "The giving Tree".)
Hopefully, Serenity will live a long happy life bouncing Thing 2, ending with a peaceful retirement in the back of my closet.  She will certainly of earned it.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

ABBA, ABBA, Everywhere...

          I never meant for my home to become invaded with ABBA music.  It was all just an honest mistake.
 I promise. Let me explain....
        When Thing 2 was born we shortened her name to "Mia" so that Thing 1 could pronounce it easier.  Thus the arrival of "Baby Mia" unfortunately coincided with my sister renting "Momma Mia".  Thing 1 loves anything with singing, dancing, and apparently huge sequenced costumes.  Once she realized that this movie was named after two of her favorite people, and that there was even a song sung specifically for them, she fell head over heels in love.  It has been continuously requested.  To make matters worse, it was one of her Christmas presents (one of her favorites, naturally). So now it is always available.
         Almost any conversation can remind her of it.
         Mention how we need more MONEY and suddenly a small voice will chirp, "Money song? Watch Momma Mia?"
          Refer to something we did LAST SUMMER, or having a DREAM, or EMOTIONS, state TROOPERS, or TAKING A CHANCE and the same thing happens. Especially if we mention Momma and Mia in the same sentence, which at our house can be quite often since Thing 2 is usually glued to my chest.
"Where are Momma and Mia?"
 "Da Momma and da Mia? Mamma Mia? WATCH Mamma Mia?"
          Even Winnie the Pooh will bring it up.
 "...bears love honey and I'm a - "
"Honey? Honey honey song? Watch Honey honey song? WATCH'A MOMMA MIA? PEEAAS?"
         Apparently Momma Mia is like the Kevin Bacon of movies, if you pay attention everything can be traced  back to ABBA songs. It's a little disturbing.
         Which is why I am walking around this evening humming "Money Money", and banging my head against the wall.  That music is like velcro on my brain. Who would have thought I would have a two year old obsessed with feel good 70's Swedish music?  I should have named my second child Jane.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Sweaty Mouth Prevention

The reason why Thing 1's face smells so fresh and clean this evening (in a manly, musky sort of way) is because while I was attempting to get Thing 2 down for a nap this afternoon, she found her way into the bathroom.  She had climbed onto the toilet, fished out her father's spare stick of deodorant, and had just removed the cap when I found her:
"Smells like Daddy!" she informed me with delight,  nodding emphatically, "YES, smells like Daddy!"
She then proceeded to RUB the deodorant onto her cheeks, nose and mouth while I stood frozen in horror.
"NO! We do not put that on our faces! That is not lotion!" I shrieked while attempting to remove the deodorant from her hand without smearing more on her person, fish the cap from behind the toilet where it was making friends with the dust bunnies and replace it, and lift Thing 1 down from the toilet with one hand while holding a fascinated Thing 2 with the other. "We DO NOT put that on our FACES!"
As I was desperately looking for a clean washcloth, Thing 1 stood staring at me in the doorway of the bathroom with giant innocent eyes.
Then she LICKED her deodorant smeared lips and said, "Mmmmmmmm....I like it! I LIKE IT!" nodding emphatically again.  "Smells like Daddy. Nummy. I LIKE it! More?"
"No. Wash your face." I said as I tried not to gag and handed her a soapy washcloth.
She looked at it for a moment, shoved it's soapy goodness in her mouth, and began sucking noisily.
"NOOOO!" I wailed, "Don't suck on it! WASH WITH IT!"
 Then she dodged out of my frantic reach and ran from the room, declaring to the house at large; "Mmmmmmm!!!! I LIKE IT!!!! NUMMY!!!! I LIKE IT!"
Which is why, if you were to kiss  my daughter good night, you may have caught a whiff of Irish Spring mixed with Old Spice.
At least she won't have a sweaty mouth.