Sunday, February 5, 2012

Rage Against the Remote

I have irrational anger issues towards inanimate objects.  Trying to put more than two brooms into a closet sends my blood pressure through the roof.  All those handles come to life and pounce, taking turns springing out of the closet and aiming for my head!  They keep falling at different rates and angles until I hyperventilate and slam the door, kick it a couple of times, and leave them coiled inside ready to attack the next person to open it.  And don't even get me started on tangled coat hangers*shudder*.
Recently, I have noticed this panicky rage sets in when attempting to navigate know-it-all digital menus - especially if I am trying to hold a sleeping baby - which is how today started...
I had just gotten Thing 2 to sleep (after she screamed bloody murder for 50 minutes and Thing 1 ran in circles chanting: "Hush a baby! LOUD SIREN BABY! Siren Baby! Baby Mia LOUD!!"),  when Thing 1 realized she hadn't watched a show all morning. Oh, the humanity!
 So I stood up, did an impressive balancing act with the limp 12 pound infant on one arm, and got the DVD out with my other hand and my teeth.  I opened the player while balancing the DVD on one finger, put it in, and almost lost my grip on a twitching Thing 2.  Not wanting to jostle her more, I turned the TV on with my toes, and made Thing 1 get the DVD player's remote out from under the couch;
 "Sweetie, can you hand Mommy the remote?  Under the couch, honey. No.  Not under the table.  Under the COUCH.  Are you listening to me? Can you look at Mommy?  See where I'm pointing? ....Honey? LOOK! THERE'S A MONKEY UNDER THE COUCH!  Oh, and can you get the remote?  Awesome, thanks."
 Finally I pushed play, dropped the remote on the table, and sat down as slowly as possible.  Crap, forgot about the commercials.  I leaned forward and snagged the remote with my pinky, hit skip and settled back. Damn it, no I don't want your stupid FAST PLAY that isn't remotely fast.  Got remote out from under my arm and tried to hit main menu, but missed and hit eject.  At this point Thing 1 was escalating in volume and frequency, Thing 2 was starting to twitch, and I was starting to get tense.  I frantically pushed buttons until I got us back to main menu, and selected play all.
This is when that condescending menu decided to just MAKE SURE that I really, really wanted to play ALL the episodes.  Are you sure you don't want to play them individually? or non-stop? 'Cause those are other options if you want to arrow down and select those menus!
The Mr. Hyde in me wanted to grab the DVD player and shake it uncontrollably and then perhaps throw it off of a tall building and watch it smash in a parking lot. But I am a grown up now.  I have children.  That is simply not what we do.   And I live on the ground floor.  The smash would be really unsatisfying.  Totally not worth it.
 So I took a deep breath, pushed the  freakin' button ONE MORE TIME, and got the show started.
And then, when Thing 1's back was turned,  I hurled the remote across the room.  Oops.
It's the little things that keep us sane.

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