This morning was my turn to sleep in, while Tyrant Daddy got up with the energizer toddler. So there I was, blissfully snuggled up with Thing 2, when I heard a little voice,
"Meh Meh? Peas?" (Meh Meh is her word for Medicine. She can say "phalanges"now, but will she say "medicine"? Hell no.) I cracked one eye open enough to see Thing 1 hovering near the edge of the bed rubbing her gums. Ah, teething. "Ask your Dad", I murmured. I heard her scurry around the room, and settle into her favorite hiding place under Thing 2's bassinet. Assuming she was safe for the time being, I allowed myself to fall back into a coma.
A short time later (long enough for a dream about chasing my children through Star Wars, only to realize that the baby in my arms had turned into a puppy, which I decided was ok since I wouldn't have to teach it how to talk), I heard that delightful little voice declare, "Mmmmmmm Meh Meh all gone! I LIKE it! MmmmmHmmmmm I do! Find'a da Meh Meh, I drink it ALL GONE!"
I jerked my head of the pillow and saw through blurry eyes a tiny fist holding a very empty container of children's tylenol in front of my face. Oh. My. God. I just allowed my child to poison herself so I could dream about Star Wars and puppies. I flew out of bed sputtering incoherently, Tyrant Daddy came crashing in, I thrust the empty bottle in his face, and there may have been some panic induced accusations;"I thought YOU were watching her!" "I was SLEEPING!" "How did she get it!?" "I don't KNOW, I thought you were watching her!", etc.
Meanwhile Thing 2 was blinking slowly at all of us wondering why we were being SO LOUD, Thing 1 was standing on her head with her eyes shut in a vain attempt to become invisible, Tyrant Daddy had decided the easiest thing to do was to make her throw up so that she wouldn't die, and I was googling poison control. I told the woman what happened and she said,
"Yep. She'll be fine. Just don't give her any more."
It felt rather anti-climatic for the amount of adrenaline in my system. No emergency room? No vomit inducing? No leaping tall buildings? Umm...fine then...I guess I'll get dressed or something...
We put the medicine even higher up (child proof my ass, they obviously never met my child), and had an intervention with Thing 1 about how much she has to live for.
Now I am keeping a wary eye on Thing 1 (half expecting her to pass out or get the munchies or SOMETHING), and removing the blanket Thing 2 has managed to wrap around her head. No suffocating today, kid. If my children would stop trying to kill themselves, I would like to finish my coffee.